he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
