I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
