make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
