I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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