I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
