I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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