Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
