i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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