I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My bed smells like the plague
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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