Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you didnt know i had herpes?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I am one with the molecules
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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