hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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