Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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