just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
