i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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