Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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