currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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