Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
