I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
