i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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