She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize