i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
