I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
