I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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