Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I will pee on everything he values.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
