I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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