God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Jerry, you need to find god
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
