haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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