I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
