and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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