Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Can you bring me the toilet please
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
