i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
