Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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