I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
