Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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