god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
