So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
sarcasm needs its own font
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
