Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
