I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
