I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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