I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
