She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
