It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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