dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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