He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You are a genius and a whore.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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