We named our party play list daddy issues
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize