My sheets look like a crime scene.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
