look no pants
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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