my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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