just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
