i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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