we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
