I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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