forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
