would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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