Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
