he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize