I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
