I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
